My Fight

my fight

This quote is the very description of myself. I have days where I can be the absolute best people person, but I also have days where it is hard to get out of bed. 

Depression hit me hard five years ago when my mom was relocated due to her job. I stayed behind because I was college, and I had a good job. Seeing her leave with one of my sisters and my stepdad was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. So what did I do, I got an apartment with a roommate, and made the best of life. I pasted on a smile, and tried to make life worth it.

For the first year things weren’t so bad, school was great, I loved my job, and apartment life with my roommate wasn’t bad. Until things with my roommate got rocky. I ended up moving out, and moved in to the only place I could afford at the time. I moved in with my biological father, his wife, my two other sisters, and my grandmother. I stopped seeing my dad when I was a teenager, and I was OK with that. I would visit occasionally, but that was it. Things were good at first, I was going to school, I was working, and my dad and I were getting along. After a while though, things got bad, I didn’t even want to go home anymore. As things got worse so did my depression, and eventually anxiety roared its ugly voice.

My brain was in battle mode all day everyday. I had to make people happy even though  I wasn’t happy. I had to fight to get out of bed even though I hated being home. In my head I needed to escape my situation. So I did the stupidest thing I could have done, and entered a relationship I didn’t want to really be in. I stayed in that relationship so I could escape my father’s house. I wanted to escape the constant feeling of not being loved or wanted. The feeling that it’ll be better when I pay him the “rent” money he wants, or the feeling that he wouldn’t care if I was gone. So I moved out, and I of course still wasn’t happy. I was now living with a guy I didn’t really want to be with. It took me a while to realize I couldn’t keep living with him, so I moved back in with my dad.

Few months passed and things were good. I had a new boyfriend, and I was happy with life again. I wanted to get up, go out, have fun, and be the me I needed to be. Then things started to go down hill again. One day my dad and I got into a pretty big fight, and that was when I decided I was done. Something had to change or my family was going to be having a funeral.

In June of 2014 I packed up what little I had and moved three hours away from my home of 22 years. I decided to give my anxiety a roller coaster ride.

  • I had to change jobs… scary
  • I had to transfer schools… scary (also didn’t happen)
  • I also had to learn a whole new place… even scarier

(I wasn’t big on changes)

After a while my mind was like “no thank you,” I had put it through enough.

Fast forward to about a year ago when I had a doctor’s appointment that changed everything. I took my boyfriend, now husband with me. He knew I wouldn’t tell my doctor what was going on because I didn’t like to bother people with it. He didn’t have one problem telling her I wasn’t ‘me’ anymore. As he talked, I fidgeted, but hearing what he saw and that he was scared he was going to lose me, if I didn’t get help, was an eye opener for me. When he was done she asked me questions, and I finally answered them honestly. If my husband knew I wasn’t ‘me’ then it didn’t matter if no one else believed there wasn’t anything wrong.

Today I am doing great! I am on a med that helps out my chemical balance and keeps my depression and anxiety in check. I am happy, and I love being alive! Don’t get me wrong, I still have those days where staying under the covers sounds great, but those feelings don’t run my life. Life is so worth it! No matter how down I get, or how scary a change might be to me, I go out with a true smile and conquer my day. I can’t give up on this beautiful thing called life because I have too many people who would be lost without me. I win the fight against my own thoughts every morning my feet hit the floor, and I walk out the door.

If you’re ever feeling like life isn’t worth it, or that you just can’t handle things talk to someone. You have to talk! Do not keep everything bundled up, you’ll never when your fight. In fact if you need someone to talk to and you feel like you don’t have anyone shoot me an email, I’m always open to talk, even it’s about the color of grass, I will talk to you.


Suicide Hotline: Call 1-800-273-8255
                                 Available 24 hours a day!


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  2. Sarah Cole Balanced Mom Life March 14, 2017 at 8:30 am

    I love this post and the one entitled you are beautiful. Have you ever tried spoken affirmations? I like you, struggle with depression and anxiety, but have an adverse reactions to meds. This has led me down the path of cognitive skills for my struggles. Spoken affirmations, a gratitude journal, meditation, visualization and planned pleasurable activities are all part of my self care routine now. ♡ I can’t wait to read more

    1. NerdyBookLife March 14, 2017 at 8:32 am

      I have a few post coming up after the challenge that will go more into depth! Just takes me a little bit since I’m not big on sharing my struggles because I feel like it bugs people but it is something I am working through. I think writing about it helps a lot though!

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